I hope Lord Jesus will allow me this self-indulgent reverie here.
Above everything, I am deeply sorry to all the people I may have dragged into my disastrous misadventures and my chaotic personal journey since 1997 — or whom I negatively impacted with my criticisms, or subjected to my personal pain and reactivity — especially those who have paid the ultimate price for it.
I am dearly sorry.
Been trying to escape the inescapable. Having said a few times over the years: I wish I had never been born; and I sincerely mean it. So many others would have fared better, or at least been undisturbed, and various tragedies averted.
Life with perhaps a vestige of innocence, idealism and rainbow 🌈 dreams might have remained.
My ex-boyfriend made a very astute observation last night that perhaps sums up the past 23 years of my life. He said: “All you do is, Do damage to everything.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Like a petulant or hurting child, or someone feeling overwhelmingly oppressed and misunderstood, I have done nothing but tear down people and things. Never mind the circumstances of blatant terrorizing, violations and illegal persecution I was under, of course (see other posts).
The well-meaning efforts to re-engage me to live a little longer and hope for a little more, and the brief moments of understanding or empathy are all dearly and deeply appreciated. More than you may realize or know.
Yet, the constant subtle and indirect reminders by others of how much I am or we are threatened health-wise, and I am disliked, reviled or (mis-)judged by many — with virtually everything I ever believed in rendered meaningless — is a tough slog.
And, ultimately, the backdrop to all this is unrelenting vengeance-seeking in which justice must truly be served. (Though I don’t know what the better part of the last 16 years were. But no doubt some cancerous illness is on the horizon for me and my dog, plus dementia for my mother, and an impending death of my father. Plus, I am apparently a “lying gaslighter” who has never apologized, when I thought I had done so repeatedly, to no avail. All while continuing to live with daily (minute-to-minute) controls, and seeing and feeling the health shifts in myself, my dog and loved ones, and still being subjected to never-endingly disproportionate judgements, treatment and retaliation — plus endless riddles! It’s enough to drive many a woman or wife 👩🏻 to suicide — as per occultists like Aleister Crowley, and others (yet when you search the subject, just 1.1 pages come up, starting with Nazi general Joseph Goebbels — who is not an occultist).
(I strongly advise reading the Wikipedia page on Aleister Crowley, and its subsections, to appreciate how MISINFORMATION is being massively spread — rather like a remarkably distorted vile versions of myself, while also casting convenient and sometimes twisted aspersions on others, or negative associations with otherwise benevolent cultures, interests, political orientation, or religions. In particular, the total failure to mention how Crowley’s wives all committed suicide because they couldn’t bear Crowley’s “black magick” and his ability to seemingly harness supernatural energies and forces. (See his “Personal Life”.))
FYI – I personally didn’t prefer “politics over spirituality”. 1) I felt called to apply spiritual thinking and *healing* approaches to socio-environmental upliftment and restoration. 2) I needed to address the social politics and pervasive prejudices existing around me to be able to mutually engage in ‘spiritual community’. And 3) a key stumbling block to spiritual practice and community was the seemingly limited amount of spiritual openness, pursuits, and both thought and feeling, I have found back here in Toronto, upon my return from overseas. Everything felt hampered by a certain level of habitual comfort, routine and predictability — ironically, all of which is quite contrary to the hype around Frozen and Frozen II, but well, no point in explaining further…
So really, is it worth it, given all the above? After all that has been perpetrated upon me and others, and everything else of meaning denied, suppressed, removed, etc. I am also living as if in Edgar Allen Poe’s, “A Telltale Heart”.
SNIPPET OF MY FORMER SELF: AN ANTIDOTE TO PROPAGANDA
Once upon a time — however misguided I may have been, or falling out of synch with God, and the established order, status quo, accepted conventions, or what have you — I did pursue and experience at least two good things:
1) Collaborating on a few positive projects with others, trying to improve things, or touch someone’s life once in a while (although with my personal demons, I probably have harmed as many as I may have positively impacted; maybe more!); and
2) Experiencing a sense of inner peace and harmony by being more fully myself — both personally and spiritually (true “self-acceptance”, however short-lived).
It seemed for a period of time in my life, that I was able to help co-create, improve, build or assist, in whatever small ways. I have no significant body of works to attest to my interests or contributions. I just went with whatever moved me, putting in my 2 cents, here and there — I’m a dabbler and occasional problem-solver, albeit awkward and sometimes misunderstood.
Still, I felt as if my life was growing and improving back then. Happy just to collaborate with others, and for everyone to experience and celebrate in the benefits. Often, I’d personally do much of whatever was necessary to help bring a project or event to fruition — except in terms of recent large scale developments, like “global transformations”, my battles with companies about totalitarian technology concerns, Big Brother’s all-knowing spying and social controls and socio-environmental innovations currently underway (see post…).
Sometimes, when I sensed an initiative, project or event wasn’t going to be completed successfully, I might feel compelled to go the extra mile. I recall one undertaking, where the *elected* student politicians deserted the project because they felt it wasn’t going to be the “grand success” they had envisioned. So I felt compelled to try harder. Still not a *spectacular* outcome, but pretty decent.
University of Western Ontario’s (UWO) first-ever Disability Awareness Week.
Not being terribly good at multitasking, and everyone else having bailed, I still tried to bring together people who are involved with some aspect of disability, or are themselves differently-abled — eg, students, professionals, activists, government officials, academics, non-profits, legal experts, media, and the public.
The goal was both education / information outreach and constructive + innovative empowerment. Connecting diverse parties to improve and enhance not only the lives of differently-abled people, but to also build bridges of understanding and foster community — if only for a week. From those who could help enact policies, to differently-abled folks often dealing with frequent social and physical barriers of fighting for acceptance and equality at school, or in the workplace — while highlighting their ongoing achievements; showcasing the different faculties or departments, whose work may involve enhancing the lives of people with disability — be it working on treatments or assistive devices (with demos of prototypes), or providing career counselling, etc. Also these latter, dedicated individuals may be working “in a bubble” sometimes, or are otherwise unrecognized and under-appreciated (eg, Engineering, Architecture or Building Design, Physiotherapy, Occupational Therapy, Audiology, Student Services, Law, etc). And of course, non-profit agencies are usually the backbone of any community outreach event, providing booths with well-informed staff, educational materials, displays and demos or sample products.
AUDIOLOGY AT UWO
IDEALISM: A BLESSING AND DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD
Maybe being younger then, in both spirit and appearance, full of genuine enthusiasm, and thus, possibly more able to overcome people’s reservations or doubts (and even political self-interest, probably because I hadn’t even considered such things until fairly late in life, so was undaunted), I did occasionally manage to collaborate with diverse, sometimes self-concerned people with different personalities and perspectives towards a common goal to benefit ALL. Both at school and work, until 1996.
Anyway, subpar people like the disabled and misfits like myself will soon be out of everyone else’s hair (no pun intended, lol). Frankly I wonder how Stephen Hawking would’ve fared, had he been born with his degenerative ALS disease, since holistic perfection (and being “the full package”) is mostly what is being sought now, and for the future world.
Regrettably, I felt 1999-2001 was a time of “what might’ve beens”, in terms of finding like minds and kindred spirits for socio-environmental revolution. (The coronavirus or COVID-19 is doing such things now, apparently — yet the whole philosophy of “EVERYONE TOGETHER” and building upon a foundation of love and care for all is actually totally lost *behind the scenes* — unbeknownst to sooo many. (See related post.))
Welcome to The Sixth Extinction byElizabeth Kolbert.
FORGIVENESS BY ONE CREATOR GOD FOREVER
Tooker Gomberg has truly become a universal symbol for the ideal human being, and even a Christ figure. I enthusiastically embrace that!!!
Yet, what did people do when Jesus was around?
Often they sought him out for wisdom, protection, miracles or healing. That’s exactly what I tried to do back in December 2003, trapped as I was in a seemingly impossible situation. Yet, I didn’t know how to broach my surveillance concerns to him, fearing utter disbelief and dismissal. So I did still contact him, yet not in the best way — I don’t even recall what I wrote exactly, when I sent him those couple of messages, before learning of his tragic passing the following March.
I now put this before both God almighty and my pastor Joel Osteen (joelosteen.com), whom I believe have forgiven and redeemed me. However, I had/have been put through more of a wringer than even a high-ranking WWII war criminal, on both an (il)legal and spiritual/supernatural level. Both for the past 6 months and some 10 years previously, I am being forced to pay unceasing penance.
Likely, this is because the harnessing of “supernatural forces” to widely punish others — even from afar — may not have existed on the level and scale it does now. Mind you, such knowledge was taught and used in ancient Egypt… So let’s face it, people understand we’ve been doing countless space explorations for 50 years — yet they remain in the Dark Ages when it comes to God’s divine powers, positive prayers; plus activating the supernatural, and the fundamental cosmic, nature-based and personal energies that exist within and around us, throughout the universe, and so on.
Dear Joel, I love you and thank you from the bottom of my seemingly wretched, sometimes dark heart ❤️. Just a note, that web link provided doesn’t contain the recommended resources, yet I will be back for them soon. Thank you again with deepest gratitude. Kindly see another of my neurotic messages, which I hope may clarify things somewhat … With utmost love and respect, L
(After typing the above message, I wanted to edit, but decided not do so, due to various factors described in post above. Thank you for your blessings, kindness, patience and understanding.) ✝️