How things evolved for me, personally

This is a ‘temporary post’, until I can get this blog sorted into a more cohesive, and hopefully, less offensive and controversial commentary. Until then…

​​​​​​​How my quest for national unity and social-environmental healing turned into a personal nightmare (1998 – 2005)…

I was born and raised in a predominantly white Canada, when multiculturalism was *balanced* and not overwhelming; I came from a middle-class background with 2 university-educated parents; had a B.A. and, later, 2 years of post-grad; left a good job in HK/Asia (where I worked for 4.5 years in various jobs, with different companies/schools, as I had aspired to work my way around the world, after I graduated university – another lengthy topic); then, eventually, I sought to become more involved in environmental-type work.  

And yet – 7 years on – I had been through an endless series of hospitality jobs (not my forte); my mother cashed in the last of her investments to support me through 2 years of an uncompleted Master’s and 4 more years of serial unemployment; I felt alienated from my family and relatives, who dismissed my surveillance and harassment claims as ‘paranoia’ (I spent 3 Christmases and 4 New Year’s alone); I didn’t dare connect with too many people to avoid exposing them to unwanted government attention; and bad things often seemed to happen to or around people I met and/or lamented to about pernicious surveillance – including those who could be of assistance.  

At the same time, my landlords were semi-slumlords, who not only tried to dodge their bare minimum responsibilities (eg, sprinkler system in case of fire; pest control – we lived behind restaurants, and cockroaches and mice were rampant; some apartments had old ceramic sinks with lead, etc), but they were also suspected of setting their other building on fire for insurance money (forcing 100 or so people to find new homes in fall/winter**). As well, they regularly entered the apartments of their mostly one-bedroom units, occupied predominantly by female tenants, when they weren’t home, etc.  

**Searched for that fire story, but nothing comes up.  

People were clearly entering my apartment – and twice, my landlords attempted to do so, when they thought I was out: one time, I recognized whose voices they were, as they discussed the new chain lock on my door that was lockable even when I go out; the 2nd time, I chased the landlord down the stairs to confirm who it was.  

But they were not the only ones. Things went missing; I found appliances left on for weeks (jacking up my hydro bill); all my electrical and electronic stuff got damaged; normally-functioning equipment (fusebox, wired smoke alarm) suddenly going on the fritz repeatedly, exploding or blaring loudly during the nerve-wracking height of my ‘surveillance years’. And a couple of times, my backpack, which I guarded with my life, had been disturbed while I slept.  

[Note to Readers: I highly recommend getting an affordable Door Reinforcement Lock, like this one, to ensure prowlers or malevolent people absolutely cannot enter your home at night. (Cases, such as this one, do happen. Also note: I do not receive any commission from]

I was bold in trying to elude CSIS (merely to maintain some semblance of privacy and autonomy in my life), and yet, they became bolder. Not only in terms of surveilling and harassing ME – but in employing daring, new and creative strategies to further their own ultra-conservative and elitist socio-political agendas.  

Recent overlapping news splashes around:

  1. Some in the evangelical Christian Right stepping away from U.S. President Donald Trump before his impeachment trial (see my post… My blogpost analyzing President Trump and his primary political base of evangelical Christian Right, Republican party unity, lifestyles and values, sex scandals, Melania’s former porn star days, etc, has disappeared. This happened shortly before a major evangelical Christian magazine made breaking news, during Christmas 2019, by taking a stand to NOT back Trump and calling on other Christians to follow suit.

    (Anyway, the repeated correspondence between things I’ve written or discussed in the privacy of my home, or in daily living, and what has made local or national news in Canada and the U.S. since November 2019 is beyond startling. Though no one will ever believe it. And I’m certainly no genius; I’ve just been a convenient “CSIS study case” since 2000.)

I, myself, had nothing to hide but the records I kept of what was happening to me, and initially, I was guarding the alternative news articles I was distributing about the 9/11 attacks in New York and the Architects and Engineers’ call for truth (which in the social climate at that time could almost be seen as treasonous to the U.S. – and only now, 18 years later, are the basic facts coming to light and proving those independent news articles right).  

Anyway, I sometimes went without heat or hot water in the dead of winter – and yet, my apartment was the only one that had this problem. And of course, when I resorted to a sturdy portable heater (the kind that lasts for years), that went haywire, too. In fact, it seemed my harassing neighbour below me started controlling my heat (it’s a radiator system). This did not just happen overnight; I can recall the day that my landlords were banging around with her radiators, and after that, voila! No heat.

[EDIT, Jan. 17/20: By the way, in the past couple of weeks, there have been identifiable issues at the various residences that my boyfriend and I, and my parents, respectively live in. One example: Some months ago, my boyfriend had ordered a couple of portable heaters; then, after I wrote the post, above, recounting ‘lack of heat’, a week or so later, my boyfriend received a package with 2 MORE of these portable heaters – unasked and unpaid for. Okay, seems like just a ‘coincidence’ or ‘glitch’; but I/we have had waaay too many of these since November 2019 – past 2 months. MORE INFO TO COME.]

While the above may all sound trivial, I was almost in tears from the constant stress, endless interference on/offline, intimidating phone calls, strangely ‘all-knowing’ people, and increasing threats, while living in a home without solace.  

(A man named Roderick Russell talks about his experiences of “no-touch torture” at the hands of CSIS.)  

That above-mentioned neighbour also harassed me and others with unbelievable (psychotic) noise for a couple of years, yet she even acknowledged to another tenant that she was doing it to me, specifically (although I never even met her for the first year or so; and I was a respectful neighbour). She was cold and arrogant towards me whenever we crossed paths, and I have reason to believe she was moved into that apartment to deliberately harass me – just as other neighbours next to me (immigrants or refugees from Iran, who apparently gave sexual favours to the landlord in lieu of rent) were purposely disturbing the neighbour beneath them with noise to get them out; and they succeeded. (The persecuted neighbours, Irish-Canadians, one of whom I became friends with, were only 1 of 2 tenants who refused to sign a waiver giving up their rights to their apartment in the building that got burned.)  

I haven’t gotten into the people I encountered or became acquainted with, or endless wrong number and crank calls I received (eg, the phone ringing the very moment I walked in the door, every day for a week, and my saying, ‘Hello, hello,’ until they’d finally hang up – that happened for 2 different weeks; plus, too many other targeted calls to list here).   (Note: I seldom, if ever, gave out my phone number to anybody – just Toronto Hydro, Bell, health practitioners. And back then, websites did not generally request that personal info.)  

I also encountered subtle prejudice and racism regularly, and still do – including from people who’ve just arrived in this country. Basically, I was a round peg in a square hole: I had certain sensibilities and would explore different groups or social avenues, yet I often stood out. (Due to my PTSD and hypervigilance, I now make people of all backgrounds and social differences feel discriminated against – yet the first 30 or so years of my life, I embraced pretty much everyone, had friends from all walks of life, and had lovers of every major race and religion.)

As this CNN article notes, “Belonging is primal, fundamental to our sense of happiness and well-being.  

In short, I felt ‘dislocated‘ in my country of birth and upbringing. All of this proved to be POWERFUL LEARNING for CSIS and the FBI…

(Soon after I wrote this lengthy piece, various interesting articles appeared on my startpage, like this one. Point being, it wasn’t because I learned to speak basic Cantonese while working in HK and other local languages of every country I travelled to. The decline of my native English language abilities is mainly due to 2 things:

  1. Learning to speak basic English to people with limited language skills, as I met people from so many different countries around the world (and my university-level, analytical vocab about feminism or film theory just didn’t cut it); and
  2. The intense trauma of prolonged stress of living under CSIS’s thumb from 2000 to 2005 (1998 to 2000 was likely RCMP).
  3. Furthermore, I had 7 teeth removed as child – including 4 permanent ones (besides wisdom teeth) – so my already too-small mouth is becoming even smaller with age. Jawbone is one of the first bones to shrink. It takes me a LOT of effort to enunciate properly because there literally is not enough space for MY TONGUE. Especially if I talk at length, or am tired, my tongue feels like an unwieldy firehose, and I start to slur my words.

As to the above article, while I was overseas in the 90s, I recall meeting one nice man from Bavaria, Lars, who had recently been travelling in Korea. We had wonderful exchanges about life and our experiences! Yet, when he met my British friends, who are of various ethnicities Anglo-Saxon to Indo-Brit, I could tell he felt stymied and tongue-tied. Where our interactions had flowed freely, my British friends did not adjust the pace of their speech, or avoid colloquialisms and ‘big words’, and so on. This guy Lars commented to me afterward about how difficult he found it keeping up with my friends. From that time onward, much like bell hooks, I have endeavoured to keep my language use more accessible. But it also means I’ve forgotten a lot of useful, more learned vocabulary.)  

Living like a fugitive from my surveillers for so many years was profoundly traumatic and stressful (and how it all started, then escalated, is both ridiculous and unbelievable; but as you may discover in this blog, even renowned Canadian singer Rita MacNeil was once targeted by the RCMP simply for having feminist values). All of the above, and more, proved very fascinating and useful to ‘the powers that be’.  

You’d have to be watching a suspense thriller, like The Fugitive, The Firm, Runaway Jury, or A Clear and Present Danger, etc, to fully appreciate what kind of pressure I was under, and the fact that others suffered, too.  

(DEC 2019: I have new pics that may suggest ‘the powers that be’ are currently trying to “dislocate me” from the 2 residences I currently LIVE in — my parents’ home and my bf’s place. photos to come…)

There’s much more to this story.  


It never occurred to me, until I was writing the email/post above, to do a search on colonialism or ‘white Canada’, etc. Perhaps if I had done so, many years ago, I would’ve better understood exactly where CSIS was coming from, and why we are seemingly poles apart – even though I have tried to strive for a unified society and socio-environmental well-being (ie, prior to my nervous breakdown in 2005 – and despite my many personal shortcomings).

Also, it would explain why they have an almost murderous or genocidal mentality towards anyone who could impede their plans through public exposure (which includes myself and those connected to me), or those who merely amass too much power, or simply because the authorities want to (I wouldn’t have believed it myself, but it happens). Understandably, strong women, people of colour, queers, etc may become co-opted puppets, and not really autonomous. (More to come.)

Sadly, through information-sharing (based on 3 things I can identify – and the FBI’s and the CIA’s increased presence in Canada**, as a result of the 9/11 World Trade Centre attacks), I have been watching the same mass manipulation and new lows of governmental accountability happening in the U.S.

Both U.S. journalists and non-partisan lifelong civil servants, who share an obvious love for their country, are calling for TRUTH and RESPONSIBLE GOVERNANCE, in the face of Trump’s effectively dismantling U.S. sovereignty since 2016. (My boyfriend watches at least 6+ hours of MSNBC per day, and many other major U.S. news outlets have documented Trump’s 15,000+ lies since taking office; even lifelong Republicans are thunderstruck by Trump’s total disregard for the constitution, national security, foreign policy, and so on). Also, the firings, resignations, and retirement of capable White House staff have reached epic proportions under Trump.  

And yet, who will replace us over-40 folks, who actually care about civil and consumer rights in Canada and the U.S.? The generational passing of the torch to Millenials and Generation Z leaves me worried, frankly speaking. Younger people have been raised in a ‘totally connected globe’, immersed in pop culture, and they thrive on media massage – even though their entire lives are being totally analyzed and controlled by major companies and governments. Younger generations’ awareness of hard-hitting truth, (true) liberty, integrity, privacy, accountability, and so on, are sometimes barely on their radar – TO BE DISCUSSED).

**(Notice the CIA timeline in Canada stops in 2006, yet the Wikipedia page has been updated until 2018, 12 years on.)

[Ah, since I wrote this original missive 11 days ago, conservatives and conservative parties in both Canada and the U.S. are perhaps moving in a similar direction by having their party leaders — that is, Andrew Scheer in Canada***, and Donald Trump in the U.S., or rather, Trump’s impeachment and Trump himself did not seem nearly as reactive, furious and ego-shattered as one might expect. Perhaps, they are angling long-term for a less divisive and more ‘Centrist’ figurehead to lead the way to a renewed and strengthened conservative party and political movement? Nothing wrong with that – IF the forces behind such changes are actually being ethical, honest, responsible, accountable, and guided by the law, and are truly interested in a GREATER GOOD.]

***(NOTE: My recent email circular about Andrew Scheer’s resignation, the very morning it was announced – December 12/19, has *disappeared* from my email box. It also probably never reached any of the intended recipients – despite my email account being a PAID secure email service. Just more proof of Totalitarianism at work.)

December 12, 2019 – Andrew Scheer looks pretty darn happy and content to me. It’s all about ‘the children’, perhaps playing off NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh’s theme? I’ve likewise expressed similar thoughts, but actually more *concerns*, about the future progeny of Canada, social balances, and where that could possibly leave this country’s colonial founders, as well as First Nations peoples.
Impeachment of Donald Trump – December 18, 2019

I may sound like a Mark Satin-wannabe, yet I’m no great thinker, and I have no bodies of work (except a couple of half-baked blogs), no notoriety, allies or followers. I’m nobody, believe me – and yet, I have watched many aspects of my life, personal experiences and ideas or themes I have harped on continuously, plus various actions and writings or words I’ve used being played out on the larger stage and in news media – sometimes with unbelievable same-week immediacy.  (As I’ve said before, I was under 24/7 surveillance in the early 2000s, and urgently forewarned of Techno Totalitarianism before it went into full-drive. List of coinciding recent news events or items to come…)

Considering all the recent website blocking and vanishing news articles, email and phone tampering I’ve experienced (across 4 devices, 3 different browsers, and 2 separate locations), plus numerous device issues on a brand new iPhone (and have just discovered similar signs of hacking or tampering with my mom’s iPhone today) – all since launching my blog 5 weeks ago – one shouldn’t be surprised if this is really the New World Order we live in.

Of course, such treatment is specially reserved for ‘rabble-rousers’ like myself (people love to pile on a weakling crying out for justice!), yet it is truly telling of what capabilities intelligence agencies and authorities have to completely disrupt the lives of the most harmless and well-intentioned citizens. (Believe me, I have to defend that aspect of my character regularly. Yet, I do SINCERELY wish well for ALL people – even those who deeply dislike and/or denigrate me.)

Various people and ethnic or social groups may feel readily slighted by things I may say, write, or do – and yet, fostering trust, plus mutual respect and understanding often requires effective facilitation or even remedial steps, in my experience. Except for those who are naturally tactful, or unless you’re CSIS/FBI, and have the wherewithal and connections/influence to both gain co-operation and convince people that what they are doing is in your best long-term interests – which may only be PARTLY TRUE. It also comes at the price of selling out your basic freedoms, personal rights, real truth, privacy, and so on).

Frankly, a lot of people simply learn to Shut Up and keep their true thoughts to themselves – instead of collectively airing them to find deeper wisdom, solutions, healing, and resolution. As per healing circles.

Note: In my recollections above about my ‘surveillance years’ (1998 – 2005), I may have cast those particular Iranian immigrants / refugees in a very unflattering light; and yet, I basically liked and befriended those neighbours as equals, UNTIL they started co-operating both in my surveillance and the harassment of my law-abiding friends / neighbours.

[EDIT, Jan. 21/20: I only used the word ‘equal’ above, because of an encounter I’d had more recently. But at the time, there was no question of ‘equality’ between myself and those Iranian women. Indeed, in many ways I felt they were superior to me. I often marvel at other people’s and cultures strengths – it could be their deep compassion and giving hearts, to their innate elegance and grace, to having spiritual wisdom about life’s many challenges, to maintaining a sense of humour even in the most catastrophically inhumane circumstances. We ALL have strengths and beauty, both individually and arising in some part from our ethnic backgrounds.

Anyway, basically Big Brother employed a ‘Divide & Conquer’ approach to me and those immigrant women, pitting us against each other. Those women were, in fact, as powerless and marginalized as I found myself (and now find myself again, with the all-encompassing resurgence of harassment and persecution these past 2.5 months – ie, 14 years since it had stopped in 2005). All of this in our supposedly free and democratic Canada, a bastion of integrity, decency, and social diversity, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da… (Forgive my sarcastic cynicism, but you’ll have to keep reading this blog to learn why I am this way now.)]

In general, I know that the Iranian people come from an incredibly rich and ancient culture, with many great philosophers and achievers in a huge spectrum of areas. Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Rūmī – a.k.a. ‘Rumi’ – is one of my favourite poets. And Freddie Mercury is a phenomenal singer in the great tradition of Persian vocalists. I’m not nearly the bigot that Big Bro likes to paint me as to so many – I’m just deeply damaged and wounded, and I often give off ‘negative vibes’. This sometimes triggers a whole series of social reactions among groups of people, which proved “fruitful learning” for Big Brother.

(EDIT, Jan. 13/20: My above notes about Iran and Persian culture were written on December 23, 2019. Then, on January 2, 2020, the killing of an Iranian top General Qasem Soleimani took place, with specific news discussion of how President Trump and U.S. troops will not attack Iranian cultural and historic sites. How very un-Trumpian.)

US drone strike ordered by Trump kills top Iranian commander in Baghdad

By Zachary Cohen, Hamdi Alkhshali, Kareem Khadder and Angela Dewan, CNN

Updated 12:51 AM ET, Sat January 4, 2020

Who was Iran's top general Qasem Soleimani?

The more I write, the more Big Brother has delved into my past, tracing it back as far as they possibly can. Anyway, way TOO MANY people and points to cover.

Just one comment for now:

I did not have negative experiences while backpacking through the Phillipines in 1997. On the contrary, Filipino people have a rich and beautiful culture, with an incredible number of warm and loving people. I went ‘with the flow’, and met people from all walks of life. I am unable to share here some of my happiest memories about the people I’ve either known from there (ie, here or elsewhere), or experiences I had while I was there. Like once hanging on for dear life on the back of a motorcycle that carried 5 of us, plus bags and all!!!

(I felt safe sharing that other tidbit about ending up at a beach, after being on a public bus late at night, not knowing where I was, and with nowhere to stay. Yet, I deeply regret how many people are being increasingly exposed to the intrusive, and ultimately, controlling powers of Big Brother. So, best not to share my far more beautiful, meaningful, and wonderful experiences there.)

Spirituality and politics. As I said elsewhere, we will all meet our Creator one day. This “Winning At All Costs, and Winner Takes All” mentality – no matter how masterfully it may be masked- is the complete *opposite* of spiritual wisdom and enlightenment. As I’m being increasingly reminded, I need to try to make my deeply wounded heart and soul right with God – in spite of the unbelievable bullsh*t I am seeing and experiencing in North American and global politics, in the 18 years since ‘9/11’.

[EDIT, Jan. 17/20: Ironically, I deleted a small part of the paragraph about my Philippines-related experiences last night, and someone responded to me, Oh your ‘blog’ As opposed to, ‘‘ (ie, MINUS ‘truth’.) Since TRUTH is a key part of the (rambling) analysis on this often-vague blog. Also, in the privacy of my boyfriend’s home, I ranted about the ‘ignorant people’ (moles), who I am encountering everywhere I go, nowadays. I may post my recent letter of complaint to, and call for public oversight by, the Canadian government, RCMP, and others. In any case, allow me to clarify…

I have no issues at all in talking about and describing any of my thoughts or experiences fully and openly – I’m blunt that way. However, for the sake of others, I’m having to be a bit more prudent about what I say or write now – purely because Big Brother’s geopolitics has truly become a *global phenomenon* in response to things I say or do. Anyway, no point in proving or discussing all that. As I meant to say above, simple experiences are sometimes the BEST, and remind us of our humanity. Frankly, I thank God that I do not have photos of some of the happiest, most inspiring and fulfilling moments in my life. Now, with facial-recognition technology, people can be tracked down going back decades! …

About *ignorance*, I can fully admit that I am totally ignorant about most things, for a variety of reasons. However, I DO NOT AND NEVER HAVE considered myself racially-superior to anyone else, and I once strived to improve in my attitudes and behaviours towards people, and understand where they may be coming from (eg, those who seek to hurt or betray me; or folks I may have been totally ignorant about – eg, BDSM practitioners; or murderers and criminals).

Yet, clearly the growing and widespread alliance for imperialistic political agendas, means my recent encounters involve a lot of bigotry and contempt based on ignorance and raw tribalism (again, something I ranted briefly about in the privacy of my home). Something almost everyone is guilty of, at some point in their lives.

Unlike the “political correctness” in our society of people not wanting to be deemed a *racist*, I have always said that, “Everyone is racist.” And over 10 years ago, I even went so far as to say, “Racism may be a necessary evil.” Similar to the evolutionary biology perspective that Big Brother’s moles introduced me to back in the early 2000’s, I myself recognized that smaller populations of people may need to preserve their “racial purity”, and maintain and grow their heterogenuous numbers (eg, by limiting inter-racial unions). Anyway, these are huge topics, obviously.

Due to the all-encompassing yet covert threats and setbacks I/we are experiencing, I have many moments of arrogance and contempt, born out of deep frustration with the current dire situation – and the almost total suppression of my activities.** And yet, I truly believe in the strengths and beauty of ALL PEOPLES and individuals – including my own, and myself.

**That’s complex Post-Traumatic Stress for you.

Contrary to the New World Order I am seeing being manifested – behind the scenes – I don’t put a good face on things, while purposely and strategically *snuffing out* the lives of those who could pose a problem in any way, or simply don’t represent the *ultimate* status quo. Or plotlines that are even worse than that. All in the name of God and country, or racial-supremacy, or what have you. Power to you. …

As negative, desperate, and depraved I may have been at times (in the past 2.5 months with the resurgence of surveillance and pernicious harassment in my life; and from 2000 to 2005) – I have never taken a human life, nor actively enabled others to do so. Or intentionally facilitated people’s demise, or even cheered from the sidelines, etc. We will all meet our Creator one day.]

End of rant.

PS – The following may make me sound like a techno-geek, but technology has been an essential tool for countersurveillance, on my part. And yet, every technology, website service, all Apple products and services, companies and businesses who have turned me away, or not tried to help fix whatever my problems are, or refund me my money for malfunctioning products / services / non-delivered items, have left me virtually powerless and silenced. And note: EVERY SINGLE SEALED PRODUCT CAN BE TAMPERED WITH, UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES. Disappearing emails and blogposts are just the tip of the iceberg. My job, my health, my family and boyfriend and their respective health.

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